


The Story Collector

by Okadiah



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Bittersweet, Gen, I promise, Secret Message, but in the best way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 10:42:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15289773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okadiah/pseuds/Okadiah
Summary: On a day when Jacen should remember his father, instead he agonizes at how little he knows of the man everyone else remembers. But much to his surprise, Chopper has something. Something Kanan Jarrus left solely for him.





	The Story Collector

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! So, uh, I've been going through the fourth season again and I really got hung up on Chopper and the little things he did throughout the season, like recording fights and giving Kanan strange quiet looks -- particularly right before the events of Jedi Night. And all of that kind of let pieces click together in my head to come up with this tear-jerker.
> 
> Heads up, sorry -- kinda not sorry -- for any tears which might be on the way. I hope you enjoy!

Eight-year-old Jacen Syndulla glowered at his mother as tears lined his eyes and anger burned him up like dry kindling caught aflame.

“Jacen,” she said, concern in her green eyes as she tried again to convince him otherwise. “Sweetheart, your father would have loved you more than anything. You have to know that.”

Today was Lothal’s Liberation Day, and of all days, this one should have been the most special to him. Jacen had loved it since it began after his mom and the rebels fought and won against the Empire. There were celebrations. Festivals. Colors and games and _so much food_! They’d come every year since it was first thrown, and his mom would always smile. The people of Lothal would crowd around them, telling them over and over again how grateful they were to her and her crew. How thankful they were to Kanan Jarrus and Ezra Bridger, the Jedi who’d helped make this happen. Who’d freed them from the Empire when they’d needed them most.

And all the stories.

It hadn’t bothered him the last few times they’d come. He’d enjoyed them. Sucked them in like water because his _dad_. A Jedi Knight. A hero. One of the people who’d helped save _everyone_ on Lothal. Jacen had wanted to know all there was about Kanan Jarrus. He’d wanted to know _everything_.

But not this year.

This year, all the colors and lights looked pale and listless to him. The food was bland. The games weren’t interesting. But the worst of all of it were the _stories_. Stories he’d already heard before. New stories people had remembered over the year and eagerly needed to share with them. Everywhere he’d turned there was another story about his amazing dad, and another and another. How he’d saved someone. How he’d fed someone. How he’d made the biggest difference in their lives. How they _remembered_.

The jealous burn that had developed while he listened grew with every minute. They all had stories. They all had known or seen or been directly or indirectly affected by his dad. All these people, people his dad probably hadn’t even met.

And Jacen, his own son, had none of that.

It was the reason why he and his mom were arguing right now, and not out enjoying the celebration like they should be. His mom was even supposed to give a speech soon, and yet here they were, in the _Ghost_ after he’d stormed away from the crowd that had _insisted_ on talking about the dad he didn’t have. The dad who hadn’t known him.

The dad who’d died for everyone else, and wasn’t here now to be with _him_.

“No!” he shouted, voice sharp. “I _don’t_ know that dad would’ve loved me. I don’t know anything about him except all the stupid stories everyone tells me!”

His mom’s face fell. “How could you say that, Jacen?”

Jacen’s anger leaped higher in his chest, and his cheeks prickled with heat.

“Because he’s dead, and he didn’t know about me. So how could _you_ know how he’d have felt about me either?”

His mom fell silent, hurt flashing across her eyes so fast that it immediately broke through his anger and made Jacen feel sorry. He opened his mouth to speak, to quickly apologize because he hadn’t _meant_ to hurt her, he was just so angry, but his mom’s eyes had hardened and her lips had thinned, and he knew better than to say anything at all now.

Before she could say something, her comlink chimed and Uncle Kallus’s voice came through.

“Hera, we’re waiting for you. Zeb’s stalling, but you can imagine how well that’s going.”

His mom took a deep breath like she always did when she was stressed, but her voice was calm as she replied, even if her eyes remained pinned on him. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right there.”

She clicked off and frowned at him.

“I don’t have time to talk to you about this now. This is important to me and the people of Lothal. It’s important to the memory of your father. Will you come?”

The idea of being overwhelmed by the crowd of people eager to listen to his mom with their happy faces and cheers, and all the pictures and signs and posters surrounding him with the ghost of a father he didn’t know but they did … he couldn’t. All he could do was drop his eyes and sit heavily on the edge of his bunk. His mom sighed.

“We’ll talk about this when I get back. Stay here with Chopper. I won’t be long.”

Jacen nodded quietly but still couldn’t bring himself to lift his eyes. The door to his cabin slipped open and Chopper’s quiet warbles dappled the air, letting her know he’d overheard and would stay. Jacen glanced up in time to watch her go as Chopper’s top swiveled to follow her until she passed from sight and her footsteps faded away.

Silence filled the space between him and the droid, and now that it was just the two of them, his shoulders slumped in shame.

“Mom probably hates me now.”

Chopper gave a soft chitter of denial as he entered the cabin, letting the door close behind him. Short metal clamps moved and clacked as the droid asked why he was behaving like this, stopping only once he was right in front of Jacen.

“I just couldn’t listen to everyone talk about dad again,” he admitted. “Everyone’s always telling me all these amazing stories they have about him. They’ve met him. Actually _seen_ him. But I’m his son, and I don’t … I don’t have _anything_.”

Chopper gurgled and Jacen rolled his eyes.

“I _know_ I have my dad’s eyebrows. Everyone tells me that. But that’s not what I mean, and you know it. I don’t have any memories with him. Of him. And he didn’t even have any of me.” Jacen’s head drooped as the sorrow and doubt that had built within him over the last year came out in full honesty. “We might as well not even be related, Chop. I’m his son, but I didn’t exist to him at all.”

The droid warbled, chastened, before he grew quiet. Jacen hazarded a glance at Chopper, warily waiting to see what he’d say in response.

Chopper surprised him when he reversed slightly, only to reposition himself right next to Jacen’s knobby knee. Then he rotated his top until he was facing the interior of the cabin, and Jacen watched curiously as he activated his holoprojector. Nothing happened at first, and for a moment Jacen thought Chopper was just messing with him again.

But then it changed, and every thought in Jacen’s mind flew away.

A man slid into view, settling himself somewhere with a stone background and strange drawings on it behind him, and Jacen’s eyes widened. He’d seen holovids and clips and pictures enough to know who this man was, even if his hair wasn’t long but short, and he didn’t have a beard anymore. The blind eyes and scar, and his eyebrows were enough.

That was Kanan Jarrus. His dad.

No matter how angry and upset he was, Jacen’s breath caught in his chest.

“You rolling, Chop?”

In all the holovids his mom and the crew had let him see, Jacen had only ever seen recordings of victorious battles, or a rare moment or two when his mom’s crew had taken a silly home-video, one that had his dad with long hair and a beard and his lost uncle, Ezra. Usually, when his dad talked in those holovids, he was in firm command of a dangerous situation, issuing out orders with calm efficiency in battle. That or his voice would be a smooth roll of conversation and laughter that would curl around Jacen’s mind as he watched Kanan Jarrus interact with the Spectres before he’d been born.

But this was different, Jacen could sense it. This wasn’t the incredible Jedi he’d seen in battle or the unknowable cool guy standing next to his mom. His voice was softer, more open. Warm and a little gritty around the edges. Something Jacen knew he could listen to forever.

Chopper warbled, but the sound came from the holo and not from the Chopper next to him, and Jacen realized this was a recording. His father nodded and ran a hand through his short mess of hair before he dropped it down to his leg. The movement was careless and graceful. Jacen couldn’t help but stare.

“Good,” his dad said. “And Chopper, don’t tell Hera. This is for them, okay?”

Chopper’s recorded chitters started again, asking when he should give it to them.

His dad smiled. “I trust you Chop. I think you’ll know.”

Grouchy binary gurgled out, but after that, the Chopper in the recording fell completely silent. So silent Jacen could hear his dad swallow while his eyes dropped down as if to collect his thoughts.

Then those blind eyes lifted and looked directly into the camera, and Jacen could have _sworn_ it was as if his father was looking right at him.

“I don’t know your name and I don’t know how old you are right now, but if Chopper’s showing you this video, that means you’re my child, and it’s time for you to hear this message. And I mean it. It’s for _you_. I’m talking to _you_.”

Jacen’s heart quickened.

“This is kind of strange, I know,” his dad said. “And I wish I could do this in person. But if you’re watching this … you know why I can’t. And I wish that this was enough. I wish I had more time. I wish I knew if you’re a boy or a girl. I wish I could call you son or daughter in this message but … but I _don’t_ know, and I can’t. And there isn’t time. And it’s not enough. And I’m sorry about that.”

A massive lump developed in Jacen’s throat, and unable to tear his eyes away from the holorecording of his father talking to him — to _him_ — all he could do was clench Chopper’s metal clamp tight in his small hand and listen as his dad continued.

“If Chopper’s showing you this recording, it’s because you’re hurting, and you’re probably hurting because … because of me. Because I’m not there.” His father swallowed and glanced away again before recollecting himself and staring back at the camera. The quick flash of a grin crossed his lips. “Bet you didn’t expect this at all.”

Jacen watched, unable to tear his eyes away as the quick grin on his father’s lips twisted in abrupt sorrow, and his next words were edged with a tight agony Jacen had never expected the great Jedi Knight Kanan Jarrus to ever have felt.

“This is harder than I’d thought it would be,” his dad admitted. “I wanted this to be … I don’t know. Something good for you. Words to lift you up. My one chance to be a parent to you if ….”

His dad’s voice trailed off, and Jacen waited, oblivious to everything around him because this was a side of his dad he’d never seen before. Never heard before. There was pain on his face, even if it was controlled and restrained. There was more emotion on his dad’s face than all the stories he’d ever collected combined. All he ever heard about were his father’s heroics. His selflessness. His sacrifice and kindness. All the good. No one had ever told him that Kanan Jarrus had hurt, or that he doubted. That he was afraid like Jacen could see so clearly, even in the flickering lights of the holoprojection.

His dad … he’d been real. He’d been vulnerable. He’d hurt just like Jacen did now.

And of all people, it was his own dad who was sharing that with him.

His dad sighed, blind eyes conflicted despite his steady tone. “I just — Force, I don’t even know your name or what you look like, but I had to do this, just in case. I hope you’ll never have to see this. I hope I come back with you and your mother and delete this and no one will _ever_ know about it. I wish … I wish I had more time to _do_ this. To figure out something better to say.” His dad pressed fingers into his temples as he closed his eyes, and he chuckled but it wasn’t a happy chuckle. “I’m sorry. I just … can’t stop thinking of you, and everything I might miss with you. How much I want to _be_ there. How much I want you.”

Jacen’s throat tightened as tears budded at the corners of his eyes. A tightness was gathering in his chest. His hold on Chopper’s clamp was so strong it dug into his palm, but he hardly felt it.

“I hope you believe me, but I understand if you don’t.” His father’s face twisted again, and his next words came out almost a whisper. “ _Force_ , I hope you don’t hate me either. I—”

A comlink chimed, cutting his father’s words off, and Jacen startled as hard as his dad did in the holo. It was then he realized it was his father’s comlink. Jacen watched as his dad dug it out and held it in his hand as it continued to beep for a long time, and all the while he clenched his eyes shut. Then he thumbed his comlink on.

“Hey, Kanan, it’s just about dark enough to leave, and the gliders are prepped and ready,” a voice — Uncle Ezra’s voice — said obliviously. “Should be good to go soon.”

Jacen’s dad stroked his face slowly, then covered his eyes with his hand, head tipped down as if to hide from the call. When he responded though, his voice was clear and steady, just like every time Jacen had heard him in other holovids.

“Yeah. I’ll be right there.”

He clicked the comm off but he didn’t say anything. The press of silence crossed the expanse of time between them, and Jacen felt as if he was there too, bearing through it like his dad was in front of him. Because Jacen was _sure_ he knew when this had been recorded. He’d heard the story a time or two from Uncle Zeb and Aunt Sabine. Once from his mom. They’d all tried to distract him with comments or jokes about how bad his dad’s hair had looked, instead of what had happened that night.

It really _did_ look bad. And it made Jacen’s lips tremble as he struggled against the anguish and tears ready to burst out of him even harder than before. He could hear his dad’s jagged breath as he struggled to control himself, even as he covered his face. Could see the tense lines in his father’s back, despite the flicker of the holo.

But when he finally straightened, there wasn’t any of the anguish Jacen felt welling up within himself reflected on his father’s face. It wasn’t pinched or twisted. Instead, it was calm and steady, if sad.

“I thought I’d have more time for this, but like I said, we’re out of it kiddo. And although I want to stay and tell you everything, every _damn_ thing … I can’t. So, I want you to listen. And I hope at the end of this you won’t hate me too much.”

“I don’t hate you,” Jacen said in a tiny, strangled voice. “I don’t.” But of course his dad couldn’t hear him, and it made his heart twist painfully as he listened to his father’s last and only words to him.

“I want you to know that, first, yes. I know about you. Your mom didn’t tell me, and she doesn’t know I know – hell, I don’t even know if _she_ knows – but I do. And I’ll do my best to tell her when I see her so you’ll never grow up wondering. But just in case I can’t manage it, _I know_. Which leads me to this next part, and it’s the most important thing I have to say.”

Jacen held his breath as tears slipped out the corners of his eyes and down his cheeks.

“More than anything, I love you.” His father said it with such a tender smile that Jacen couldn’t stop a small, hiccupping whine from slipping out of him. “I love you _so much_. Just as much as I love your mother and the crew I just _know_ is taking care of you and raising you to be greater and better than I ever was. There’s so much I want to tell you. So much I wish I could be there to tell you myself. But if you’re watching this … I’m not. And this is the best I can do. And I know it’s not enough.” His father’s face gentled. “But it’s all I have to give. My love because I _do_ love you. Even if I’m gone.”

A choked sob ripped out of Jacen’s throat as guilt and sorrow overwhelmed him. He remembered what he’d told his mom before she’d left. He’d just been angry, he hadn’t _meant_ it. He _hadn’t_ , and now he’d _never_ say anything like that again.

Because he knew now, without a doubt. His dad _had_ known, and he’d loved him.

And as amazing as that was, it also hurt so very much.

“I want you to take care of yourself. Take care of our family,” his dad continued. Then his eyes softened. “And take care of your mother. She’s a tough one, but she hurts too, even if she doesn’t show it. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, but it’s the truth. Look after her.”

“Okay,” Jacen whispered, unable to stop himself from responding to the recording. “Okay.”

“I know you’re a good kid. With Hera raising you, and Ezra, Zeb, Sabine and the others around, I _know_ you’re good. So, know that I’m proud of you, and that I believe in you, whatever you’re doing and whatever you plan on doing in the future. Just be brave and kind and clever, and don’t kriffing take anything from anyone — but don’t tell your mom I said that.”

Jacen couldn’t stop the torn smile that dragged at his lips as he shared this one tiny secret with his dad.

“And if you have the Force, be careful and use it well. And if you don’t, that’s perfectly fine too. Be you. Be happy. That’s all I could ever hope for.”

“Okay,” Jacen said again as his chest hitched, and he scrubbed his eyes desperately to keep them clear so he could see the end. “I will.”

A gentle look settled on his father’s face as he paused for the briefest of moments. But it _was_ a moment, a solid one, and it was all theirs. One single moment they could share despite death and despite time.

But it couldn’t last forever.

“Anyway, I … I need to go save you and your mom now. Again, I really hope that I’ll come back and the first thing I do is delete this. But if it’s not,” his father looked right into the camera again. “I love you, more than you’ll ever know. And may the Force be with you.”

And then his father took a deep breath, closed his eyes and let the breath out, and Jacen wanted it to last forever. Wanted his father’s image to stay _right there_. With him, just for a little while longer.

But it didn’t. His dad calmly stood up, and with one last, lingering look at the camera, he left.

The holo faded, and the silence it left behind left Jacen feeling painfully alone. It had been just a message, just an old holorecording, but for a little while his father had been _with him_.

And now he was gone again.

A heart-wrenching sob pulled itself out of his chest, followed by a stream of others more powerful than the ones before. Tears streamed down his cheeks in hot waves as he hunched over and cried for the dad he’d lost. He’d always felt an empty space in his life when he’d thought about him, but it had been an ache for the _idea_ of his dad. The image he’d pieced together in his mind from all the stories he’d collected.

Now though he had something _real_. Something _his_. And now that empty space felt so much starker than ever, and the pain he experienced for his dad was sharper than anything he’d ever felt. Watching the holorecording – something his dad had made just for _him_ – and knowing what had happened after it had ended made his father’s absence, his death, _real_.

Next to him, Chopper shifted, warbling something Jacen couldn’t quite understand, but even as his shoulders jerked with his ragged breaths, he still managed to say, “Play it again.”

And Chopper did. He played it over and over every time Jacen asked, and every time Jacen sucked in the image of his father and his heartfelt words just a little deeper. Noticed something else about the man he wished had survived that he’d never known before. Jacen ached and grieved just like he’d seen his mom and Uncle Zeb and Aunt Sabine had.

And although there was so much sadness filling him, it was overwhelmed by the love and gratitude he had toward his father for making the time to leave him just _this one thing_.

A memory just for him, even if it hurt.

When the holorecording ended this time, he didn’t ask Chopper to play it again. He knew he would later, but right now there was someone else he wanted more. The one person right now who could make him feel less alone.

And she came through the door a minute later, just like he’d sensed she would.

A guarded look traded places with concern and a flash of alarm as it crossed his mom’s face, and she moved through the cabin and immediately dropped to a knee in front of him, her hands warm around his shoulders. “Jacen, what’s wrong?”

Tears streamed down Jacen’s cheeks again as he threw his arms around her, clinging to his mom as tight as he could.

“Jacen?”

“I’m sorry,” Jacen cried. “I didn’t mean it. I just missed dad and got jealous and everyone had a memory with him and I didn’t and I didn’t know and I said something that hurt you and—!” He descended into another round of meaningless sobs as his mom clung to him and held him close.

“Oh, my dearest luv,” she said gently in his ear. “It’s okay. I know. I understand.”

He continued to cry as the grief over his father overwhelmed him a second time and all the while she never let him go. Chopper gently placed a clamp on his back, and Jacen was beyond grateful to both of them. When he finally managed to calm down, he was tired and his eyes felt puffy. His cheeks were hot and swollen and his chest ached, but his mom still looked at him with the kindest, sweetest eyes.

“I’m sorry. This is a hard day, and I guess I thought since you’d taken it so well these last few years, this year would be the same,” she said. “I should have known it might get too hard one day, being surrounded by so many people who knew him, when you most of all never got the chance.” His mom stroked his cheek. “Jacen, _never_ doubt that your father would have loved you. And you should believe _me_ because I knew him best.” Her voice cracked and it made a Jacen’s eyes water again. “I have no doubt he’d have done anything for you.”

“I know,” Jacen said, his voice thick. After all, he _knew_ now. That his dad had gone that night not only to save his mom and the people of Lothal, but also to save _him too_. Even though he’d guessed he wouldn’t come back. “I know, mom.”

She stared at him, her green eyes deep and searching, and she gave him a small smile. “How about we take a break from the festivities. Go flying for a bit?”

“No!” Jacen suddenly said, the word busting out of him almost in a panic, and his mother blinked in surprise.

“No?”

“I want to stay,” he said earnestly, finding he meant every word. “You were right. This is an important day, a day to remember, and dad … I want to remember him and listen to all the stories everyone has of him. I want to know what everyone remembers.”

She seemed at a loss for words before she asked, “So … you want to go back to the celebration?”

Jacen nodded, but slowly. “Yes, but not yet.” Although he _did_ want to go out and be with everyone waiting for them now, at the moment all he wanted was to be with his mom. To listen to her, the person who’d known his dad best, and find out everything she knew and could give. “Could you tell me one of your stories?”

Her eyebrows lifted.

“A story?”

“Yes,” he said. “Could you tell me about the first time you met dad?” Jacen stared at her imploringly. “I know you’ve already told me before, but,” his words hitched, but he pushed through. “Could you tell me again?”

His mom stared at him, then at Chopper, clearly wanting an explanation for his unexpected turn in behavior, but Chopper didn’t say anything about the holorecording, and Jacen was thankful. One day he’d show it to his mom, but for now … he couldn’t help but be a little selfish. He would, but just … not yet.

When she realized she wasn’t going to get a straight answer, she sighed, then smiled and took a seat beside him on the bunk.

“So, you want to know about the first time I met your father?” A mischievous spark appeared in her eyes, and Jacen sniffled but settled in, ready to hear more about his dad. Ready to learn _everything_ , now that he had something of his dad himself.  

“Well,” she began, her voice becoming dynamic as she settled in as well. “It was on this grubby planet called Gorse with the most gorgeous moon I’ve ever seen in my life, and would you believe it? The first time I met him was in an alley, of all places.”


End file.
